question for Tash

Do I have an online photoalbum? I thought I did. Not quite sure. If I do, what is the url? Why am I so forgetful these days? I am pretty sure that, once upon a time, I had an album. I do have one! I know I do! Damn it.

p.s. Merry Christmas :)

bubble

I think I am just about due for a blog entry eh! I was having a heck of a time trying to remember my url for my blogger. After a couple unsuccessful attempts, I finally just went to Tash's website, clicked on the blogger icon (thankyou!) and just logged into the site. I don't have the greatest memory in the world as you can tell. I still can't remember my url. I'll figure it out someday. (I believe I went through this before eh Tash?)

A little update as to what I have been doing. Absolutely nothing! Exciting. I am still working at the Health Centre. A few things have changed there and I suspect there will be more changes along the way. I now have another new boss. That makes it two people that, in theory, can dictate to me. I save myself the confusion of wondering who I report to though by getting both my bosses to report to me and to check things with me first. I think thats pretty cool, on my part, anyways. I actually have a good working relationship with both my bosses and its making my job more enjoyable. Its still a bit stressful with the internal struggle some co-workers are having with adjusting to the new changes both internally and externally. I figure, as long as you do your job and show up everyday, your good to go!

I am still living on the reserve. I have turned out to be quite the Rez Girl now. I just do not know how to leave! I rarely go into the city. I miss the city sometimes, but right now, I am doing okay on the Rez. I have been playing a lot of No Limit Texas Hold'Em. Its an addicting game I tell you! In my first real tournament I had entered on the reserve here, I had split for 1st place in the main game and had come in 1st on a side game. Not too shabby, I thought. I walked out of there with around $900.00. My brothers say it was beginners luck. What do they know. Probably true, but still! I had beaten one of my brothers in a heads up battle to take first place. He is just sore about that. I absolutely love playing the game. The social aspect, pyschological aspect and mix in some skill and sometimes pure luck of the draw, is what draws me towards this game.

Its quite late (or quite early, depending on how you look at it) and I am getting purty tired here. I was out playing cards tonight and no I did not win. I, was what they call, the bubble. Being the bubble sucks. Tonight, the top two players were paid and I was the 3rd last! That is what they call the Bubble. The person who was just about in the money, but got denied.

I am stupidly tired now. I am going to bed. I can't type no more.

Goodnight, good day!

damn it!

Damn it! I was in the middle of writing in my blogger when the power went off at work! It was brilliant work. It was insightful. It was the kind of writing that people write home for. I seriously believe that I may have won a journalist award for it. It was that damn good. Now, I am left with this. One measily little paragraph. Just enough words to get people to keep checking on my blogger. Just enough for people not to give up on me. Enough to tide them over till the next time ...

p.s. I still can't find my bejesus or my whoop. If found, please return to me. I feel exposed and vulnerable.

msn messenger

Some friends were over to my office today and wondered why I have msn messenger installed on my computer, but always set as "Appear Offline."

This is my answer to them:

If I were to sign in as "online," my friends will start chatting with me. I will be too busy trying to carry on a conversation then worry about work. I will get behind in work. I will start stressing out because I am behind in my reports. I will start drinking because I am stressed out. I will be sent to rehab because of my drinking. I will be put on suspension from work because I am to be leading a "healthy lifestyle" while working. I will be stressed again because of my suspension. I will start drinking all over again. I will get fired from work. And why? Because I signed in as "online" on msn.

A bit dramatic are we Bonnie?

I was going to procrastinate today, but I think I will put it off till tommorow...

Why am I online entering in my blogger when I am super busy at work and I have a million and a half things to complete? I am a procrastinator. Which would explain why my reports are once again overdue. I was in the middle of doing my reports when I got to thinking, I haven't written in my blogger for quite some time. So here I am. Typing when I should be writing. Slacking when I should be working. Seriously now, I can't keep focus on one topic. I realized that when I started typing in this blogger. In the midst of it, I got up and went for a walk over to the Band Office and then to the store. I am now trying to figure out how to work our projector here. I still have this blogger open and all my papers are still all over my desk waiting for me to complete them. Well, I suppose it can all wait till after lunch now. Lord forbid, I work through lunch today. My grandfathers 84th birthday party is tommorow. I should, hopefully, have a picture or two to share on this webpage.

Till tommorow or next time (whichever comes first)

little update...

I haven't really entered anything into my blogger for awhile now it seems. The only time it seems that I am in front of a computer nowadays is at work and there is always just too much for me to do. I am now living back on the reserve for the time being. I moved out of my apartment at the end of July. I miss my apartment, but realistically, these past few months, I have barely been staying there. I was only there on weekends. It isn't too bad staying on the rez. I figure, I will be here till at least after christmas once I straighten out a few things. Other than that, I don't have that much to say right now.

Age is just a number...

Happy Birthday Tash!!

hectic days

I haven't blogged in about three weeks and it seems like so much has happened already. We had a bit of a scare amidst our family recently. My mosom was taken into the hospital via ambulance and was in the Intensive Care unit for awhile. He is now doing a lot better and has been moved out of the Intensive Care and moved up to a regular ward. The doctor says he should be out in about a weeks time. That is great news. It was the first time in a long time that I had seen my whole family. It was like a family reunion at the Emergency room that night.

I had taken a week holiday so far. During my holidays, I had lost myself for awhile! I was able to find myself a couple days later, with a bit of help of course. That was a bit hectic and crazy, but was fun and it gave me yet another interesting story.

I had started writing this entry earlier on this week or maybe it was last week. I can't really remember. I was just reading Tash's blogger the other day and I am so excited for her. Here she is going on a trip down to the states and then moving to France. How exciting is that! I am starting to feel real bad here. She had gotten her Canadian Visa awhile back and has been in my country for what a year now? And I haven't been able to make my way over to Quebec to go and meet her. How great of a friend am I! Maybe her moving to France will get me motivated to start saving money so I can go on a grand trip sometime. Or maybe, I am secretly waiting for her to go back to Australia because for as long as I can remember, I had always wanted to go to Australia. I remember when I was a little kid, a teacher once asked me where I wanted to go and I had said "Australia!" I didn't even know where that was at that time, but I had my heart set on going there.

Some memories came rushing back to me this past weekend. But, I was able to handle it. I have grown. This past Saturday, I had received a call from back home saying that three boys had capsized their canoe out on the lake and only one of them had made it back to shore. They had started a search party that day. Just the words "search party" had brought back memories of when we had to start one for my brother. I will always remember the heartache that I went through while walking though those bushes and shrubs, hoping against hope that I wouldn't find him, but rather that he would magically show up alive and well. I can talk about him without crying. I can laugh and joke about him. Thus, I have grown. It wasn't those memories that had came rushing back to me though, but rather the memory of people putting aside their differences and coming together as a community to help and support the family. I didn't know the two boys very well. I had just known to see them as they were from the same community. It was the support and help from friends and family that had helped me and I knew that I had to be there to help out.

I feel like I have written a novel already.

holidays

I am actually on my holidays! I have this whole week off and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I have been off from work as of Wednesday, June 15th, 2005 at 5:00 p.m. Here I was afraid that I would go absolutely crazy with so much time on my hand, but I have actually been busy everyday so far. We had our golf tournament this weekend at the Dakota Dunes which is around 20 kilometeres out of Saskatoon. It was our poorest turnout for golfers, but it was because there was another golf tournament going on at the same time. Other than that, it turned out pretty good. I had fun.

Not exactly sure what all I want to accomplish during my holidays. My only goal so far, is to clean out my storage room. Thats a reasonable goal, I figure. Something I know I could probably achieve. My goal for tonight is too sleep. Sleep sounds like heaven. I slept for 3 hours lastnight. Yeah, am really enjoying my holidays :)

my mosom...

This picture was taken this past winter. My mosom was out ice fishing. Fishing "old-school" style! Nowadays, there are some fancy fishing huts around. Fishing huts are like little houses that people use while out ice-fishing. Their major job would be to block out the wind so it will more comfortable while fishing. There are a few of them that have little stoves built right inside them so people can use that to keep their huts warm or to do a bit of cooking. That would be most ideal for me! But my mosom, on the other hand, still ice fishes like he did back in his day.

home sweet home

What a freaking long week at work! But, I am finally back home at my apartment, well for the weekend anyways! That will just have to do for now :) I am sitting here waiting for my momma to phone me. She had phoned me about an hour ago saying she is just about in town and we made plans to go for supper. I have been staying at her place this past week, but she was gone almost all week so we have to make up some lost time. Where is this mother of mine! I am absolutely starving. If she doesn't phone soon, I just might have to fend for myself! Okay, I am lazy, I shall wait.

...a little while later

I phoned her. She didn't forget about me. I wouldn't doubt it if she had went on her merry way and had simply forgotten about me because if she is anything like me or vice versa .. yeah .. I am a bit forgetful at times.

I don't know what the hell am doing this weekend, but I do know that its good to be home :)

duh!

I am so duh! tonight. I couldn't remember the url to my blogger for the longest time. I finally decided to just follow the links from another blogger and hope to God that I remembered my userid and password. Tonight is Graduation night on my reserve. We had a little taste as to how it was going to be this weekend. Absolutely crazy. People are drinking everywhere. Today at work, we were all sitting around saying it felt like a Friday afternoon because it was so quiet. Yeah. The calm before the storm. Next thing we knew, the ambulance was on its way, the police were called and the receptionist and I were babysitting! On the plus side, the baby was an absolute darling and the EMT driver was a cutie! Makes me want to get into EMT.

I have one more day of work before the weekend! I am not sure what I am doing yet. Lorna had called and asked if I wanted to go for a cruise tommorow up to La Ronge. Might be interesting. Either that, or I just might go to my apartment and just relax all freakin weekend. I decided this past week that I am leaving all guys alone. They suck. Girls rule! Boys drool! Childish, I know. I am allowed to be childish every now and then. I just don't know what to do. I don't just gotta do anything! It probably doesn't make sense, but I can't make sense of what is going on in my mind. I want everything my way. I don't want to give in to nothing. I want people to be at my beck and call when its convenient for ME. Is that too much to ask?

change of pace ...

I applied for funding today to return back to school! I got a bit frustrated lastnight. Of course, I left everything for the last minute. I had decided on Sunday night at 9:00 p.m. that I wanted to return to school. The deadline for funding was today so I had taken a sick day yesterday to get my paperwork all in order. Yeah, I spent the whole day visiting friends and then late lastnight, I had all my papers spread out over my bed. I had cover letters to write, applications to fill out, a resume to type and it all seemed so overwhelming. Am I ready for school? With all my bills, can I afford to quit my job? I phoned up a friend saying "I am so frustrated, I can't even fill out these freaking forms, how the hell am I suppose to go back to school?!" I have been working for so long and my last attempt at school wasn't successful. Needless to say, I was able to hand in everything today in time and I have decided that I will just wait and see what happens. If I get approved for funding and for school, I will have at least a couple months before school starts to make up my mind. I am applying for a diploma in Management Studies which will take 2 years and then from there I can get into the Accounting program which will be an additional year.

I was reading Tash's blogger the other day where it lists all the things she has did and achieved during the last year. It had to have taken alot of courage to quit a job that she had for years, move to a different country across the world and to leave her family and friends. I can't even seem to find the courage to leave a job that I am not happy in. I love the work that I do, but with all the political and management changes, I am not happy. Even with the heavy workload and the extra duties and responsibilities that I do that are above and beyond my job description, I don't feel secure in my job. These past few weeks, I find that as soon as I get to work, I go straight to my office and stay in there all day till closing time. There was a time when I felt like I was part of a team, a family. It was fun and rewarding going to work. It has definitely not been fun lately. Change is hard. Especially when some of the changes are not for the better.

Another issue that I have is that I had to resort to staying on the rez during the week. I miss my home. I miss being able to go home every evening and spending time with friends or just relaxing in the comfort of my own home. I have been missing a lot of things lately.

lazy day...

Today is a lazy day. It is cloudy and dreary outside with a bit of wind. Our weather has been a bit unpredictable. Today it was forcasted to be +40 C. Yeah, that didn't happen. The other night we had a brief thunderstorm. That was absolutely beautiful. I love storms. It had rained for 2 days straight and just to think at the beginning of the month, we had a snow storm that made it look like winter all over again. Welcome to Saskatchewan, I thought!

I went to the Casino lastnight with a few friends, there was a local band that was playing there that seems to be quite popular amongst the First Nations people. It was packed upstairs in the lounge and a line-up to get upstairs. Actually, the whole casino was jam-packed lastnight. I wanted to go try my luck, but my favourite game was always busy. I took that as a sign. It just wasn't meant to be.

I should actually start getting ready to face the world today. I just feel so lazy. I wish I could live in my pajama's. They are just so damn comfortable. I went driving around today in my pajama's. On weekends, I get so lazy and I even go shopping in my pajama's. As long as I don't run into my mother, I am okay. She gets embarrased when I do that. That one time last year, she gave me heck when she found out that I flew from the States back to Canada in my pajama's. What if I were to get into an accident, she "would have been so embarrased!" Mothers these days. Honestly! :)

amazing...

Its amazing what a new haircut can boost up your spirits. Janna finally came back from her mom's place tonight. She had been staying up there for the past two weeks. She came back just in time! I was beginning to think that all my friends are leaving me. Candace is going for a road trip down to Six Nations, Ontario. She was "On Leave" for the past two weeks from the Health Centre and her future working prospects doesn't look very bright so she decided to take this time to go for a trip. Lorna will be moving out her place next week and will be moving back home and Janna had thought she was moving back to her home reserve. So, it seemed for awhile that everyone was moving out from me. But my Janna is back for good she says! Her first task once getting home was to give me a haircut and I absolutely love it! I had been trying to grow out my hair for Lisa's wedding, but it has been post-poned for another year so to heck with trying to grow it!

I am getting all packed up for another week at staying at my moms. Since Candace is no longer working at the Health Centre, I can't commute with her anymore and I can't afford driving back and forth with my gas-guzzling truck so I had to resort to staying out on the reserve during the week for the time being. I was talking to Janna this evening and we both really can't afford to have our own places so we decided to look into renting a 3 bedroom apartment. I am looking forward to it. I am also going to look into trading off my truck for a car. I absolutely love my truck, but really can't keep up with the costs that comes along with it. Hopefully, if all goes as planned, I will be able to save up some money to go for a trip later on this summer or fall.

I don't know how long I will be able to work at the Health Centre, but I suppose I will tough it out for as long as I can handle it. As I mentioned before, there has been a lot of changes recently. I am not looking forward to work this week, but with my new haircut, I feel like I can conquer the world! My goodness! It is past 1:00 a.m.!!

G'night!

senseless

I have so much to say, but I don't have the words. I had planned on logging into this blogger and writing down everything that has been happening these past few weeks, but so much has happened that its all jumbled up in my mind. Its hard to comprehend and write things down that doesn't make sense. So much has been happening at work. There are changes everywhere. Some, I hope to believe, would be better, but some just does not make sense at all. I ended up taking stress leave from work for a few days because things had gotten to a point where I was too emotional to function in a professional manner. I had left work early one day because I couldn't handle it and I didn't go back to work for the rest of the week. I just couldn't do it. My heart is not in it at the moment and hasn't been in it for the past month. I am at the point where I am debating whether or not I want to continue on with my job. There are so much reasons as to why I should stay and tough it out, but I just don't know anymore. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.

I need a map...

I believe that I am going to be lost...

It is a quiet Sunday morning and all my company is still sleeping. There is only so much I can do around the apartment without making too much noise and waking up people so I decided I would actually sit at my computer and just mess around. I think my company is leaving me today. What am I going to do? It will be so quiet. Too quiet. My friend, her fiance, her son and her soon-to-be daughter has been staying at my house for the past couple weeks or so. They live out of town and my friend was "expecting" and had decided to stay at my place till she had her baby. On Tuesday, April 26, 2005 at 10:01 a.m., Lexi was brought into this world weighing 6 lb's 4 oz's. She is an absolute little sweetheart. I believe they are leaving me today to go back home. I suppose I can't be too stingy with them eh? I suppose they are other people that will want to introduce themselves to Lexi, but damn it! I like having them here. Let me be selfish! Let me be stingy! It will just be too quiet. I will be lost. I will have to get used to having the apartment to myself and to the quietness. I love living by myself. I love having my own apartment, but I also loved having my company here. I was usually gone to work for most the day and out visiting during the evenings, but I got used to coming home and having someone here to talk to or having a baby to spoil and a young child to play with. Hmm .. maybe I just got spoiled by having someone here to clean up and cook for me! I imagine, I would have lived on toast w/peanut butter and bananas these past two weeks. They sure can cook! I have been too spoiled. Nothing wrong with that eh? :)

I should surprize them and start breakfast :)

my boot is missing

and its up someone's ass today! I did not have a very good day. I felt like quitting work today. I was just that mad. Today is not a good day. I had left work yesterday pissed off, but I kept telling myself "tommorow is a new day" and it was. It just wasn't any freaking better!

patiently waiting...

I am patiently waiting for Tash to update her blogger. I have been waiting for a real long time. I am starting to get bored with mine. Well, not necessarly bored, but mine has been quite depressing lately. It has just been an unbelievable, crazy past month. I am looking forward to some peace and quiet. I need some normality.

We had our election on April 04th on our reserve. The results were not quite what I was expecting or wanting it to be and it has been a quiet, somber week at work. I have a feeling that there will be a lot of new changes in the future and I am a bit hesitant and wary, but I am in it for the long haul. I love my job too much to just quit and pout over spilled milk. Besides, my family has been involved in politics forever and a day and I know that we can't win all time, although wouldn't that be just ideal. Life goes on.

elections

We are having our band elections this year. It has been absolutely nerve wracking. My boss is running for chief for the reserve. I haven't been at work in over a week. I had taken this time to collect on all my overtime hours to go on holidays so I can tag along on the campaign trail. On April 04, 2005, I will find out who will be our new chief & council and who will be my new boss. It is quite scary to see the list of people that are running for election and to see our possible future leaders for the next three years.

I am actually at my own place. I have been staying at my mom's place recently and just discovered that I had only stayed at my apartment for a total of two nights in this month of March. I miss my home. I miss my bed. I am planning on staying here for the next two nights then I will be back on my reserve until the elections are over.

Wish us luck!

unreal

It has been so busy, hectic, crazy, and unbelievable around here .. It is like I haven't had the chance to sit down and breathe. If it isn't one thing, then its another. What's next? Have we not had enough heartache to last us a lifetime? It feels like my world is spinning. I see the people around me ... I feel the suffering that they are going through .. I can't grab at them, rather, I can't grasp reality. Everything feels unreal. I don't know what I am saying. I don't know what to feel. It is about 7:30 in the morning and I haven't had any sleep yet. Physically, I am not tired .. Emotionally, I am exhausted.

Memorials

GREG KEVIN NAYTOWHOW

1977 - 2005

"G" is someone

You can count on to be there for you

You can trust to tell your personal problems to

Who offers advice when you don't know the answer

That can lift up your spirits when your down

Who had respect for his parents

Who was there for his sister

Who loved to sit around and talk to his brothers

Please don't cry for me for I am away on another adventure

Mom I am not alone, I have Kerry with me

and a friend Farro.

________________________________________________

KERRY PATRICK NAYTOWHOW

1985 - 2005

"BIG SHOW"

I had time to

Love and share the good & bad times with my love Sheila

See my son Taylor take hs first step and get all excited

See my daughter Amy take in her first breath and cry

Laugh and joke around with friends and play tricks

I was taught to

Have respect for myself and for others

Love and Listen to my parents and grandparents

Never to lie "Be honest" mom would say

God gave us the chance to share and take care of you

God gave us the chance to hear you laugh and be happy

God has taken you back to his mansion

Please don't cry for me for I am not alone Mom

I have Greg with me and a friend Farro

________________________________________________

FARRO COURTNEY BIRD

1985 - 2005

God hear me when I say I loved little things

Loved spending time with her daughter and taking her for walks

Loved hearing her mothers voice and daddy sticking up for her

Loved to tease and joke around with her sisters and brothers

Loved spending days laying around with her love Dennis

Loved to spend the afternoons with friends and family

God hear me when I pray for little things

Bend your ear and hear my prayer

Guard me as the pupil of your eye

Hide me in the shade of your wings

God has called me to come home.

He has another task for me to do for my task is done here

God gave me two good friends to walk with mom

I am not alone

unbelievable...

There has been a tragedy on my reserve. It is unbelievable. I am still in shock. To me, it feels like it is the kind of thing that only happens in the movies or in the big cities not in a small community.

http://sask.cbc.ca/regional/servlet/View?filename=homicides050302

In a small community where we all know one another, everyone has been affected by this event. I was planning on coming back on here and writing more about this, but it seems like I don't have anything else to add or maybe I just have too much to say. Its hard to talk about something you just don't understand. How can someone do this?

March 02, 2005 - The world does not make sense.

weird...

I just don't understand. This morning when I woke up, I had this strange feeling. One of my friends had come over and I was explaining this feeling to her. I had a queezy stomach and a slight headache. I felt like sleeping all the time, but my stomach kept bothering me. At first, I thought I was just hungry so I went and ate some leftovers. That didn't help out one bit. Actually, it got a bit worse. I was telling my friend all these symptoms and she just looked at me and said, "my Bonnie, you have a slight hangover." Weird! I never get hangovers. Why me?! I just didn't understand. If I felt like this after everytime I drank, I would damn well quit! I hear the perfect cure for a hangover, is a drink. To the bar!

movie fest

I don't really have anything to write about tonight, but I am trying to get myself to write in this blogger thing on a somewhat regular basis. I was on a total movie fest this past weekend. I finally got to watch The Grudge! When it was in the theatres, I was too scared to go and see the movie, but I finally gathered up my courage to watch it. It was freaky. I think I only screamed once and closed my eyes twice. Not bad if I say so myself. Other movies that I watched this past weekend was Taxi, Napoleon Dynamite, Raise Your Voice, The Cookout, and King Arthur just to name a few. I had to work for a couple days on the ice out at the reserve, but other than that, it was a nice and relaxing long weekend. I think I must have another one of those!

birthday...

Its the day after my birthday. Do I feel older? Absolutely not. I figure, age is just a number. Are you as old as you feel? If that is the case, I am still 21. It was a lovely day yesterday. The one time of the year, when my phone won't stop ringing from friends and family wishing me a Happy Birthday. I felt popular and it wasn't even a Friday night! Its the day after and my phone is quiet once again. Welcome back to the real world Bonnie! Speaking of the real world, I best be heading to work!

Candace, Me & Nimis

I am beginning to think, rather, remember that I don't like my own pictures. I thought I would add this picture just because I know the how to now!

NHL

I miss hockey.

work is overrated...

Once again, I am going to be late again for work. I really don't mind. Most the time I am running a bit late as well. The one time when we could have been at work on time, I had slept in. Its a wonder why the boss still keeps us around. It would be a freaking miracle if we were to show up to work either on time or early. The other day, we had seen a baby cougar on the side of the road. Well, my friend and I are still debating what kind of animal it was. She says it was a rabbit. Really now, its winter. The animal was brown. Rabbits are white in the winter time. Maybe it wanted to be different? Nah. I still say it was a baby cougar or a baby lynx. Well, am thinking, that my friend should be calling me pretty soon saying that she is outside waiting for me. It is now 8:00 a.m. and we are suppose to be at work at 8:30 a.m. Of course, we have to stop by Timmy's and pick up coffee. Whats a day without timmy's coffee? Okay, she just called. I have to meet her at the store in a couple minutes then we will make our one-hour trek to work, after stopping at Tim Horten's, of course. Why do we work? Its ridiculous. Can't I just get paid to sit at home? Now that would be just too damn ideal eh?