change of pace ...

I applied for funding today to return back to school! I got a bit frustrated lastnight. Of course, I left everything for the last minute. I had decided on Sunday night at 9:00 p.m. that I wanted to return to school. The deadline for funding was today so I had taken a sick day yesterday to get my paperwork all in order. Yeah, I spent the whole day visiting friends and then late lastnight, I had all my papers spread out over my bed. I had cover letters to write, applications to fill out, a resume to type and it all seemed so overwhelming. Am I ready for school? With all my bills, can I afford to quit my job? I phoned up a friend saying "I am so frustrated, I can't even fill out these freaking forms, how the hell am I suppose to go back to school?!" I have been working for so long and my last attempt at school wasn't successful. Needless to say, I was able to hand in everything today in time and I have decided that I will just wait and see what happens. If I get approved for funding and for school, I will have at least a couple months before school starts to make up my mind. I am applying for a diploma in Management Studies which will take 2 years and then from there I can get into the Accounting program which will be an additional year.

I was reading Tash's blogger the other day where it lists all the things she has did and achieved during the last year. It had to have taken alot of courage to quit a job that she had for years, move to a different country across the world and to leave her family and friends. I can't even seem to find the courage to leave a job that I am not happy in. I love the work that I do, but with all the political and management changes, I am not happy. Even with the heavy workload and the extra duties and responsibilities that I do that are above and beyond my job description, I don't feel secure in my job. These past few weeks, I find that as soon as I get to work, I go straight to my office and stay in there all day till closing time. There was a time when I felt like I was part of a team, a family. It was fun and rewarding going to work. It has definitely not been fun lately. Change is hard. Especially when some of the changes are not for the better.

Another issue that I have is that I had to resort to staying on the rez during the week. I miss my home. I miss being able to go home every evening and spending time with friends or just relaxing in the comfort of my own home. I have been missing a lot of things lately.

lazy day...

Today is a lazy day. It is cloudy and dreary outside with a bit of wind. Our weather has been a bit unpredictable. Today it was forcasted to be +40 C. Yeah, that didn't happen. The other night we had a brief thunderstorm. That was absolutely beautiful. I love storms. It had rained for 2 days straight and just to think at the beginning of the month, we had a snow storm that made it look like winter all over again. Welcome to Saskatchewan, I thought!

I went to the Casino lastnight with a few friends, there was a local band that was playing there that seems to be quite popular amongst the First Nations people. It was packed upstairs in the lounge and a line-up to get upstairs. Actually, the whole casino was jam-packed lastnight. I wanted to go try my luck, but my favourite game was always busy. I took that as a sign. It just wasn't meant to be.

I should actually start getting ready to face the world today. I just feel so lazy. I wish I could live in my pajama's. They are just so damn comfortable. I went driving around today in my pajama's. On weekends, I get so lazy and I even go shopping in my pajama's. As long as I don't run into my mother, I am okay. She gets embarrased when I do that. That one time last year, she gave me heck when she found out that I flew from the States back to Canada in my pajama's. What if I were to get into an accident, she "would have been so embarrased!" Mothers these days. Honestly! :)

amazing...

Its amazing what a new haircut can boost up your spirits. Janna finally came back from her mom's place tonight. She had been staying up there for the past two weeks. She came back just in time! I was beginning to think that all my friends are leaving me. Candace is going for a road trip down to Six Nations, Ontario. She was "On Leave" for the past two weeks from the Health Centre and her future working prospects doesn't look very bright so she decided to take this time to go for a trip. Lorna will be moving out her place next week and will be moving back home and Janna had thought she was moving back to her home reserve. So, it seemed for awhile that everyone was moving out from me. But my Janna is back for good she says! Her first task once getting home was to give me a haircut and I absolutely love it! I had been trying to grow out my hair for Lisa's wedding, but it has been post-poned for another year so to heck with trying to grow it!

I am getting all packed up for another week at staying at my moms. Since Candace is no longer working at the Health Centre, I can't commute with her anymore and I can't afford driving back and forth with my gas-guzzling truck so I had to resort to staying out on the reserve during the week for the time being. I was talking to Janna this evening and we both really can't afford to have our own places so we decided to look into renting a 3 bedroom apartment. I am looking forward to it. I am also going to look into trading off my truck for a car. I absolutely love my truck, but really can't keep up with the costs that comes along with it. Hopefully, if all goes as planned, I will be able to save up some money to go for a trip later on this summer or fall.

I don't know how long I will be able to work at the Health Centre, but I suppose I will tough it out for as long as I can handle it. As I mentioned before, there has been a lot of changes recently. I am not looking forward to work this week, but with my new haircut, I feel like I can conquer the world! My goodness! It is past 1:00 a.m.!!

G'night!

senseless

I have so much to say, but I don't have the words. I had planned on logging into this blogger and writing down everything that has been happening these past few weeks, but so much has happened that its all jumbled up in my mind. Its hard to comprehend and write things down that doesn't make sense. So much has been happening at work. There are changes everywhere. Some, I hope to believe, would be better, but some just does not make sense at all. I ended up taking stress leave from work for a few days because things had gotten to a point where I was too emotional to function in a professional manner. I had left work early one day because I couldn't handle it and I didn't go back to work for the rest of the week. I just couldn't do it. My heart is not in it at the moment and hasn't been in it for the past month. I am at the point where I am debating whether or not I want to continue on with my job. There are so much reasons as to why I should stay and tough it out, but I just don't know anymore. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.

I need a map...

I believe that I am going to be lost...

It is a quiet Sunday morning and all my company is still sleeping. There is only so much I can do around the apartment without making too much noise and waking up people so I decided I would actually sit at my computer and just mess around. I think my company is leaving me today. What am I going to do? It will be so quiet. Too quiet. My friend, her fiance, her son and her soon-to-be daughter has been staying at my house for the past couple weeks or so. They live out of town and my friend was "expecting" and had decided to stay at my place till she had her baby. On Tuesday, April 26, 2005 at 10:01 a.m., Lexi was brought into this world weighing 6 lb's 4 oz's. She is an absolute little sweetheart. I believe they are leaving me today to go back home. I suppose I can't be too stingy with them eh? I suppose they are other people that will want to introduce themselves to Lexi, but damn it! I like having them here. Let me be selfish! Let me be stingy! It will just be too quiet. I will be lost. I will have to get used to having the apartment to myself and to the quietness. I love living by myself. I love having my own apartment, but I also loved having my company here. I was usually gone to work for most the day and out visiting during the evenings, but I got used to coming home and having someone here to talk to or having a baby to spoil and a young child to play with. Hmm .. maybe I just got spoiled by having someone here to clean up and cook for me! I imagine, I would have lived on toast w/peanut butter and bananas these past two weeks. They sure can cook! I have been too spoiled. Nothing wrong with that eh? :)

I should surprize them and start breakfast :)